Chest Pains

Let’s talk about coffee and the act of drinking coffee.  We all think it’s pretty damn good.    Also…we all drink coffee…except a few that oddly seemed to hate coffee but there the minority and so don’t really matter.  But if you don’t like coffee…you’re not doomed to drink tea by yourself for all time.   You go somewhere you want some and spend a few dollars and it’s easy and no one cares that you do it.  It’s not illegal to buy a cup of coffee and cops don’t dress up as baristas to try to trick you into buying coffee and then arrest you.  Drinking coffee is not a victimless crime…it’s not a crime at all.  Some people like coffee with cream and sugar.  Some like it black.  Some like it made with all kinds of weird extra ingredients and a design in the foam and other people think this is just weird and that good coffee should just be simple.  Coffee lacks emotional investment.  No one gets mad if I go have coffee with some other cute girl when I’m married or those two guys over there drinking coffee together is like…totally fucked up man and should be outlawed.  Huge fights don’t erupt over who drinks coffee with who.  Church doesn’t hate coffee and tries to make you feel bad if you drink coffee with the intention of just enjoying it.  Dudes don’t surf the net looking for hot chicks drinking coffee and swear that 2 girls having coffee is fucking hawt and high five each over it.  You can drink it publicly and without shame.  There’s no special party held where coffee drinkers get together and drink coffee and talk about how the general populace doesn’t understand their coffee drinking needs.  No one has coffee literature hidden in their closet and only reads it when no one’s around.   If you walk in on your friend drinking coffee…more often than not he’ll ask you to join him for a cup and it’s not awkward at all.  There’s no coffee walk of shame.  There is no legal requirement to drinking coffee.  If I want I can drink any cup of coffee I Like and the government can’t say anything about it.  People aren’t grossed out if my coffee is old and it’s not illegal is my coffee is super fresh.

It's Just coffee....man

See what I did there?

More things should be like coffee.

   

So there are a few things in the world that I am fazed by.  I’m fairly unfazible.  Unlike Kitty Pryde of the X-men I don’t faze often (quiver at my appalling geekery)  My cool easy going demeanor is both smooth and delicious as my many hundreds (tens) of friend will attest too.  However I have now found the one thing that will definitely faze the fuck out of me.  That is the Internal Revenue Service (also known affectionately as the IRS)sending me a very lovely letter telling me that I owe them …..

ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!

Have you ever been punched in the heart? Not the chest but the actual bloody beating exposed heart. I imagine that is similar to the feeling that I felt when I cheerfully popped up their envelope and read that the government thinks I owe them more money than I have possibly ever made. Like they had hidden some very tiny but very strong karate champion in the envelope, who then hopped out and punched me in my bloody beating ooey gooey heart screaming “hi-ya!!” or “supplies!!” (if you get that reference I’ll tell you you’re pretty and mean it) or some other awesome battle cry . That’s being fazed sir…that is being fazed like a son of a bitch.

Here's a pic of Kitty Pryde in bondage watching game of thrones....figure that crazy shit out

My Birthday occurred and I failed to age gracefully one more year making it a record 38 times that I have failed to accomplish this feat.  I instead ate a metric ton of meat, sugar and cheese, wasted other people’s money and forced people who do or do not like me to fawn over my very existence.  Much like the last birthday and the one before it etc.  People came and said the obligatory words, some bestowed me with gifts of food or food cooking apparatuses (apparatie?)  and I felt mostly good about the event, with the exception that though I fell exactly like I did last year where I had felt exactly like I had the year before I don’t feel exactly like I did when I was 20.  I feel that this is an titanic injustice that must be righted …and if I knew how to do that without going to jail I would be doing that  instead of writing this inane blog that you are currently reading (or not reading as I’m sure there 70 odd billion people out there doing RIGHT THIS MOMENT!!!).  The process of aging is slow and terrible and I highly advise you to avoid it if you can and please when you learn how to do that let me know because I’ll give you a shiny new dollar.

This should make up for the pseudo porn from up above

Eminem white rapper extraordinaire has made a song that uses "The Stroke"as its chorus called   Bezerk  It is the latest song on my list of songs that I listened to maybe 35 times in a row one night while ”working”  Enjoy it now.  As white rappers go I think Eminem is maybe less rapper for white people than other rappers out there like….Will Smith for instance.  Who is very white person friendly IMO, despite his non-white skin coloring.

Good job Will Smith?

Speaking of being white which as you might have guessed I very much am, lately I have run repeatedly into the phrase white privilege.  Well let’s admit it…being white is indeed very awesome but that’s certainly not the only amazing thing about my life that I have.   Let’s look at all the privilege I got going on here.  I got white privilege, male privilege, class privilege, education privilege, family privilege, house privilege, skinny privilege, single person privilege......alive privilege?  I got a lot of privilege happening here. However at some point though can we just admit that maybe were bandying the privilege word around too much?  Yes…some people have more than others…do we really need to add more words?   Can’t I just be whatever awesome thing I am and revel in the awesome of that without attaching a new word to it?  Must I be American privileged, omnivore privileged, all 4 of my limbs privileged, have friends privileged, own furniture privileged, my taste buds work privileged… Are people with more hair than me hair privileged?  Is Barack Obama president privilege?  Is this me being…..a privilege-ist.  Tell me I’m wrong…..wave your “Right to say what you want on the Internet privilege” in my face.   Feel silly for doing so.

I tried though

One last note as I did my image search for this blog to be all the LOLZ I typed in "sexy coffee".  You would be surprised at the amount of almost porn like images of hot people with coffee came up.  If you need masturbatory material to make your Monday more mellow I highly suggest you give it a try.


Age Quod Agis