"Hey, Hey..how do I do this again?"

As one or two of you may have heard, noticed, been told about, or ignored…I’m separated from my wife.  “Better friends than married” I believe is the comment du jour...and...It may have some weight to it. I and my ex-wife …get along pretty damn well, now that we don’t have to deal with the crushing weight of being chained to one another like some sort of grotesque 4 legged monster, AKA “being married”.  I think she feels much the same (I hope).  Certainly there are hurdles to overcome.  Stuff needed to be separated, friends distributed and new rules to be laid down.  And while I love her very much and always will; we both seem somewhat happier these days.  I hope she feels the same as I.  Mostly about the still loving me part.  Cause if not….awkward post.  

However it educationally intriguing to see how it could be going.  My wife’s good friend, we will call her “Sarah” and those in the know will appreciate the reference, also has gone through a separation with her significant other.   Lord but for the grace of god there go I.  It’s bad on lot of levels, the hate, the vitriol, the…pettiness of some of it.  Its thing’s like this that make me appreciate my ex in a great deal many more ways.  And because telling her would be tantamount to complimenting her and I dare not ever do this thing lest the scales of power be tipped.  I’ll put in a post I know she reads.  Look how very clever I have become.

Now comes the hard part.  At some point…..I may want to date a new girl.  11 years I have not had to do this and to be honest, I was not amazing at it the first time.  My dating life was…limited.  Not that I was fantastically horrible at picking up the ladies…or being “pimpresive” (see prev journal blogs {READ THEM ALL}) but I didn’t really try very hard.  Perhaps because at that time girls were mysterious creatures made perhaps of chlorine gas and if you touched one they would rupture and kill and anyone standing around you, or more likely my lack of experience made dealing with them more effort than I really wished to exert.    Well guess what kiddos…I get to do it again.  And I honestly do not know how……

Do you talk to them, hit them with club, but them drinks, demand they dance on your lap, offer  them bribes, use a gun, knife, chloroform or chocolate trap to carouse them back to your car to carry  them home, Mexico, China or Mars?  Is the first 20 minute too soon to buy them lingerie?  If I ignore them will they find me more attractive or will showering them with incessant affection guarantee sexy times.  Should I show them my shuffle to shower these sense with insatiable ….S …words……that might apply here.  Are girls now mean, angry, artsy,  feminist, snide, sarcastic, sly, sick, studious, decent, dark, depraved depressed daunting , energetic, effervescent, everything you could hope for, everything your mother warned you about or everything you hoped you’d never meet.  Perhaps they want money, jewels, and cards or just to be held while watching the latest sparkly vampire film and 6 hour long diatribes of why women should and should not marry Colin Firth.  If I buy them a copy of “50 shades of grey” will they be insulted or applaud my male sensibilities to their needs and wants.  Are flowers the way to go, or do I need to invest in a liqueur cabinet or a drug dealer to seal the deal.   Perhaps I should breed husky puppies so that when I ever I meet a girl I can just give her one out of a sac I carry around with me (hopefully still alive) and the hold out my arms to accept the incoming gratitude of a girl I probably met 5 minutes ago…while ordering dinner…at a restaurant. 

What is the new hotness when it comes to dating girls?  For that matter….what was the old hotness? 

“Politic wars the revenge” just ended and we have a sexy new president, who happens to look a lot like our old president just with more grey hair.   And republicans have become stupid again and are apparently trying to secede from the union.  Really?  Do they seriously think their worthless red state will be able to survive as its own country for more than a week?   Everything republicans do is just stupid.  And I’m not political…I’m really not.  But I cannot look at these people and not be blown away by general republican stupidity.  Secede from the union because you don’t like Obama???   What!?  I the master of alliteration and artistic application of the American language…have no words for this retardedness.    Except republicans are dumb

If any of you reading this are republican I apologize for the previous comments…or not…..cause your dumb…sorry…you are.

One thing about politics that is interesting to me is the debates, and how worthless they are.  No one I have ever met has looked at me and said...

”I was gonna vote for that guy, but then the other guy tolds me sum good stuff in a DE-bate and now I’m gonna vote for him instead.”

Instead they’ve become verbal caged boxing matches.  And people just watch to see if there government fighting cock won the contest or caved before the opposition.  I like a good fight too, but by god if I see a fight I want to see some blood.  In my opinion we should just round up awesome fighters from around the world, put little donkey or elephant patches on them and unleash them on each other in no hold barred carnage contest to the ULTIMATE death……with laser swords.  It doesn’t have to be the president…it could be a genetically modified SUPER MONSTER with 3 eyes and an extra jaw named MOLAR!!!!!   I think it would be just as fun and twice as useful.  And it would mean we have laser swords…..which I really really want

New bond was good and I’d go into more detail but I want to show a picture for new statue.  So here’s that instead 

Next time thanks giving and my opinions on rich people

Age quad Agis

For there shall blow a mighty wind......

You know what’s awesome, companies that make shit I want to buy.  Their the most (annoying) awesome.  They just produce and produce and produce and then slap on a sticker that says limited edition.

  

“Limited edition”…..  That’s the best marketing phrase I’ve ever seen. It’s limited

An edition

It won’t be around for ever

It’s going to be gone soon...  imagine the horror you will feel when someone (everyone else) has the thing that you only had vague interest in owning and never really cared about and now you can’t buy it.

Cause it’s gone

Cause it was “limited”

Roll those (dirty) words in your mouth.

You

Cant

Have

It

Cause its limited

“But I have money??”

“Too bad….limited edition”

“But ebay…?”

“Ebay costs too much….limited edition.”

Bob over there, He got one, he has it but what have you got.   You have nothing, NASINK,   butkiss,  zero, you lose, you can’t win,  Nada,  zilch, zoink, zip,  the big empty,  a fat Easter egg of sadness,  absolute fuck all, the small potatoes, an empty purse …you got an analogy for “does not have it” and it applies here.

And that not having will gnaw at you; eat at you insides, burn like stomach acid after a double peperoni and pineapple pizza with Sunkist as a drink.  You’ll think to (loser) yourself …that is not fair…I should have it , how come Bob has it, (stupid) Bobs not better than me ,  I know for a fact that (kill)Bob is distinctly worse than me …his name is FUCKING BOB FOR GODS SAKE.  WHAT A LOOOOOOSER.   

And then you think about it, stew on it, wonder, ponder, pontificate and plan.  Every day that knowledge growing that (ugly) Bob is rubbing his dirty genitals on the thing that you should own and he’s disrespecting it.  Not like you Noooo, you would love it, care for it, take it to the park and let it play…romance it softly with strawberries’ and chocolate, play sweet soothing music and treat it to trips to the ballet which you don’t like but that’s OK because your beautiful thing likes it…you would make loooooove to that thing.  And Bobs just doing it …. Animal style.(Filthy dirty) Bob, with his beautiful shiny that you should own.   And you hate him

Oh HO But it gets worse

One day Bob says to you (stupid ugly hobbits Bob) "Hey man....did you see the thing I got …it went up in value.”  Smiling (die) happy Bob.  And now you know what happened.  It’s worth more...massively worth more and YOU DON’T HAS IT.  (Goofy ugly hobbits)Bob has it...and he didn’t pay much, because he bought IT early and got a deal on it.  (gollum)And now he’s laughing at (cheap worthless)you and spending all that extra money he has form it going up in value on MOOOOOORE (ham) THINGS that are beautiful and wonderful and he’s DEFILING (precious)THEM with his (fat ugly hobbit’s) face and his grubby finger and all that bad stuff you know Bob does but no one will arrest him for it even though they KNOW he’s a bad person…how could they not…he’s a fat filthy Baggins …Gollum…..ugly itchy BOB.

And then one day Bob dies……….

What an odd occurrence.  Everyone liked Bob …didn’t they……stupid fat Baggins …..Itchy……scratchy……..

gollum

Soooooo,  I’m going to win.  All you collectors out there.  Everyone who thinks they  Have  something special, neat, unique... worthwhile.   You all lose. I’ve won.  You might as well give up now because I’m the collector supreme.   For an undisclosed amount of money (no I’m not gonna tell you) I have won a trip to see

                                                                           BROM!!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerald_Brom

Brom is the greatest fantasy artist t of my generation.  Not last generation, that was Frazetta, but my generation. 

Brom started a kick starter. Do you know what that is?  Well go look it up.   And for a certain amount (noooo I will not say) I have the option to meet Brom, eat dinner with Brom, get a paining done for the cover of his book by Brom...and then get myself painted a s a zombie,  vampire, werewolf, tax collect etc etc.  Brom will paint me…glorious glorious me.  And then I will win.  Cause there's only one Brom...and there's only one me…and there will only be one picture of Me…by Brom  Hence...I win and all for an,  albeit substantial,  but totally worth it amount of money (NO STOP ASKING)

Me…painted by Brom and the put in his book…..AND MADE UNTO LIKE GOD …..AN IMMORTAL  ALL POWERFUL BEING TO BE WORSHIPPED  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

 Also I win

And will have hair again

Age Quod Agis

And there shall be a terrible vengeance...

You know what …screw this guy. 

Look what he painted.  That’s rude.  He offends with me with his quality, he assaults me with is artistry.  My mind reels with the responsibility of respecting his craft.  It makes me angry.  I hope his hands blow up

And that’s lead me to my first point.  I have a problem.  I detest the success of other people.  I DETEST it.  Jobs, artistic ability, relationships…going to the store to buy milk.  If you are successful at something part of my brain thinks you should die.  Friends, family, enemies,random stranger on the street, good looking hostess at restaurant B.   I hate you all.  And it’s a universal hatred really, because everyone has done something decent in their life.  Even people who fail all the time still some times fail better than I fail.  And that makes me angry

And you wouldn’t like me……..angry or not…you just probably wouldn't like me.

Where does this vile bubbling cauldron of hate come from?  I don’t want the world to fail.  I want my friends to do well; there success can only bring me a higher quality of life.  And I do urge them to succeed.  I tell them, myself and anyone else who will listen that they should  go out and achieve and achieve like no one has ever achieved before.   

But

When they do achieve... Then the darkness falls and I plot their imminent and most likely impressively painful death.  Like being eaten by slugs....

I should see a therapist…or a prostitute…I hear their both very helpful.  As long as they are not successfully helpful….

I watched Batman, and it was good…for me…and my brother.  Not in that dirty sex way either.  But too many many others it was a staggering let down.  I’ve heard everything from meh to "hackneyed ending that ruined the mythos".   Ruined the mythos of the the Batman!!??   Ruining the mythos of one of the oldest and most beloved comic book character in the history of comics is pretty hard to do  so that person must have been really angry.  Maybe he was angry at the movies success.  Anyway, while it was a good move and worth watching again;  There were a few things that bothered me.  Mostly that Bane was a scary Sean Connery in a mask.  Sean Connery …isn’t he Scottish? Bane is not Scottish, he’s South American….who,  at one point in comic lore,  was dressed like a wrestler

                                                                  A wrestler!!!!!

How did Nolan get Sean Connery out of that?  Is Sean Connery a Brazilian wrestler? Noooo!!!He's a Scottish ….spy...guy....person...  You know who he is?  He's fucking Sean Connery is who he is you halfwit.  And Sean Connery is not Brazilian…or as mentioned earlier,  A wrestler.

Still the move was high quality with good acting god action and a reasonable plot.  OH and Anne Hathaway as catwoman who ...I’m going to be honest……is maybe the hottest thing I’ve ever seen…ever…..

EVER!!!

Dear god I burnt my eyeball…so...go see it.  I liked it and my opinion is worth more than yours.

You know what I don’t do much anymore.  I don’t play video game anymore.  Man I use to put em away.  Hours at a time camped out in front of my TV while digital characters ran around reveling in the rampant destruction of their fellow digital residents.  Or virtual golf…FUCK YEA…VIRTUAL GOLF...with cute little anime characters... hot dam I loved me some virtual golf.  Fighting games featuring mis-proportioned heroes and hotties with unrealistic uniforms and undergarments on display.  Or the classic "FPS" which I dominated my dullard friends but failed to find success when confronted by the fleet fingered fiends of the online arena.  Man I was good at video games too.  I got achievements and unlocked special room and abilities and costumes...alternate endings...I did well.  I saw the cool bosses …I beat games on the hard difficulty …like a boss…..who …plays …video games…..ok that was not a good analogy.

Regardless though ...I had some skill and was happy to show it off. 

That skill is goooone!!!!

  

I sat down to play a game.  Put it on my standard hard difficulty, started up ….…and died.  A lot.  All the time...again and again.  "What’s going on here?" I exclaimed. "Why am I dying?" I expounded.  "Is the game cheating, is the game made to be impossible like battle toads of old.  IS IT SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT??? "

But the  answer was obvious...  you’re not good at this anymore.  You’re getting old, your reflexes have slowed down, you ability to twitch game has pitched itself right over the edge of this virtual boat.  Your hands operate at half speed.  You can't keep up with the next generation of gaming gods.  Your gonna get pwned, teabagged, raped, beat, brutalized, KO'd camped, greifed, gutted, run down and knifed, taught to show repect and be made somebodies BEE-YATCH.  Hope you like RPG’s with no difficulty and archaic combat design, because that’s all you’re playing now son.  And don’t try doing online.  The cavalcades of over played eleven year old will eat your heart out hun.  They’ll eat it and make you  die.  And not a quick good death...a bad bad weird painful death that Japanese movie makers with poor childhoods make disturbing ass movies about.   

…weird shit man

That’s all you got left…virtual golf and RPG's with no difficulty curve….

Except Hero Academy.  I like Hero Academy.  I like it cause I win

If you are good with the ladies, and you score a particular successful moment with a particularly lovely lady…then I think that you are then …..Pimpressive…eh...eh…new awesome word.   Adopt it, love it…tell your friends. Buy the t-shirt

Age Quad Agis 

Nobody knows who you arrrrrre......

Ahh Prometheus…why have you wronged me so?  I looked forward to this movie.  Allowed myself to become “excited”.   I ate the hype, drink the Kool-Aid, and bought the tickets.  I cared man.   And for what did my caring provide me.   Sad sad disappointment that tasted like pickled eggplant (which really tastes bad in case you were unaware) this movie had 13 different  plots…..13!!

THIRTEEEN!!!!!!

Who thinks that 13 was s a good number of plot points.  Most movies have 1…only 1….13 is …13 times that amount.  That can’t be healthy.   13 plots are not healthy.    If I punched you one time you might be upset but probably OK....if I punched you 13 times....you would be most unhappy...but also probably still OK.

BUT UNHAPPY!!!

Also …if you are a scientist and your main concern is biology, why when you see an alien that’s dead is your first impetus to run away, but when you see an alien that is alive…but vicious... you have a burning desire to pet it.  That guy deserved to die.  They all died but I felt  most justified in his death.   

If you were somehow spoiled by the previous everyone died comment... than you have never seen an alien movie…where generally.  Everyone dies.

Also kill the fucking robot.  I swear if I’m even in a situation where I am assigned a good looking robot whose “Sole desire” is to serve me…I'm going to kill it...with a gun.  Probably a shotgun.  Cause it’s a lie.  It’s not there to serve me…it’s there to screw me…and not literally…like I might hope …cause honestly…Fassbender is a good looking guy…I think I’d consider that a bit of a trophy screw

HOLY SHIT THAT WAS GAY SOUNDING

You know who didn’t wrong me…Spider-man didn't wrong me.  Spider man treated me right.  He picked me up in a nice suit, took me out for dinner at a nice but not too nice restaurant so I didn't feel obligated, we had ice cream afterwards and talked on the river walk.... we went back to his place, he had fruit...wine……it was a good night all in all.  I love me some spider-man….cause he cares man

hmmm sexy........

 You know what was the best trek ever (side form the original trek which really can’t be compared to cause it created the genre of TREK) DS9.  And for many reasons…but this reason was good enough for me

Also plot and development and…characters.... and Sysco with his baritone smooth jazz voice.  But a lot of it was Dax.   AND NOT EZRI DAX!!! that bitch took my Jadzia away from me …she was MINE GODDAMMIT!!!!

(breathe deep....Get it together)

Hey you fatso.  Do you like food you fat disgusting food inhaler, sure you do. Look at you...your fat…and disgusting.  Not that fat people are necessarily disgusting but you are some awesome combo of the two... Fat AND disgusting.  Well since you like food so much tub-o-gross why don’t you go to Habana’s.  They make great food.  It’s Cuban…and if Cuba wasn’t a communist country that would probably have me executed for being a capitalist SPY I might move there for their awesome food...and maaaaaybe  cigar...... 

These guys are genius.  This video is genius, all there other video are genius.  Go watch them and be smarter for it 

GENIUS LINK

Age Quod Agis