How I learned to love the Editor

Blogicide!!

Welcome back to reading about me.

So…as I have mentioned in the past blogs I sometimes (more often than I should) engage in KICKTARTER MADNESS (insert cool echoes here).  When said Kickstarters come to fruition I then have KICKSTARTER GAMES (also with echoes)arriving  at my house.  You know what’s worse than having spent too much money on kick starters?  Getting Kickstarter games and having no one to play them with you.{fragment}  That sir is madness.  See now I have a decent amount of friends and I even have friends that like to play games.  What I do not have is the ability to pull said friends from their lives and make them come on over more than once a week to play a game. I can get them over once a week and I do… playing the likes of D&D, Heroes, Rifts, insert rpg system here.  But twice a week…twice a week is too much.  This is sad cause in my past 3 times a week was doing pretty good.  Me and my friends  could play games 3 times a week  every week for months…Sometimes wed paly 2 or 3 games a day…that is like…9 games a week.  Things changed.  we grew comfortable with each other...We were younger…we had gaming stamina…had more time…less stress in our lives.  Gaming took priority over other things…….{over use of periods…3 is good enough}

You know what just occurred to me……this sounds a lot like an analogy for couples and sex…..and it references my friends…therefore I’m moving on to another point.  {run on sentence}

these two are way too good looking to not be having sex

Me and Snowgloves {Snowgloves and I…don't forget to capitalize either} have begun an interesting new hobby.  Once a week we go to a restaurant we have never been to and review it.  We got ourselves a clever name and started what we like call a clever idea.   At first we just reviewed it for ourselves; Then we decided to review it on FB{spell it out...Facebook}.  THEN we decided to make short videos of it and post those on Facebook.  Visit interesting link here.

 The most interesting thing about this?{fragment…consider revising…pleeeease}   How popular this has suddenly become.  In a matter of 1 hour we had accumulated like…80 people liking our new page.  I don’t have 80 friends total…but I got 80 people liking a Facebook thing I do.  One of the most telling moments was when I told my non ex ex wife of  this factoid and she then informed me I was more popular at this than she was.  Which is kind of sad cause she makes some really well made you tube videos and me and Snowgloves {ahem …its Snowgloves and I… not me and Snowgloves} just jabbered for 2 minutes in a car in front of a tiny camera.  And it’s not a hard thing to do.  Austin has like A MILLION restaurants you’ve never tried.  Yet people have informed me this idea is pure genius with butter…delicious tasty all covering butter…

Me and Snowgloves  {goddammit learn to write!!   It's SNOWLOVES AND I!!!} are pleased with the results so far.

the name of this caption is smug...I wonder why

It’s interesting the different friendships one can obtain.  While enjoying dinner with …..hmm…need a name for this guy….I’ll call him AGGIB…have dinner once a week it occurred to me...What a surprisingly adult conversation I'm having…well thought out, we discuss topical matters.  I feel very mature.  When I hang out with Snowgloves..its friendly…sorta {sort of} gay….but mostly inane.  If I’m talking to Ironcast…it’s mostly spent talking about how were so much smarter and cleverer than everyone else {cleverer is not a real word, how do you even have readers?}  You should review your friendships and see how each one is different…it’s fascinating. 

aww friendship IS magic!!!

Last blog I went on at some length how I could not would not pay for match.com's subscription fee.  Well as it happens to have happened I eventually broke down and actually bought me a three month thingy to see if I could get a date.  It might surprise you (as it surprised me) that apparently I’m not as damn good looking as I had hoped or told I was.  This all falls squarely on the shoulders of my non ex ex wife who cruelly lied to me for 13 years telling me she  found me “attractive” or “not hideous”  apparently all lies and I hold resentment and bitterness in my heart for the  maliciousness done to me…What a cruel bitch she was for her compliments.   What is actually even MORE painful though is when I finally did get a grrl {just spell it correctly…you know...girl}  to want to spend "the quality" time with me…I DIDN’T MEET HER ON THE DAMN PAID FOR WEBSITE...I met her like normal people do.  At a party {look another fragment…shocking}. 

WELL HOLY FUCK WHAT A WASTE OF MY PRECIOUS MONEY!!!!!

My life is truly miserable...oh and I went on a few dates…which were less miserable…and in case she reads this not miserable at all…I like the dates…

Awkward…

 

Finally readers....I am vindicated.  For months you have watched in wondrous bewilderment  as I wantonly wished for wasteful  warison as to waylay my ....grrr....fuck!!...room (I really tried on that one)with statues.  And truly you marveled at the maximum monies that I might put forth to obtain such worthless dust collectors.

BUT I WIN!!!!

For I have bought so many staues that I have earned enough rewrd points to get one.......FREE

behold my free statues peons....behold and WEEEEP!!!!!

whose laughing now!!??

Age Quod Agis 

{this blog is really very poorly written...you should go elsewhere}

Dead or alive...Your coming with me

To those who have suffered some sort of sex related trauma in the past please be aware this blog very briefly mentions it.  You have been warned

I’m miserable…and I feel that my avenue out of that is that I’d like to be in a relationship.  As I work the all so unpopular 3rd shift AND at home…AND hate people at bars…AND  have no friends who actually know grrls that might be interested in me,  my chances of meeting some appropriately attractive and interesting grrl like creature are effectively nil.  OK cupid has already been ousted as complete and total failure for everyone except Snowgloves who seems to have annoyingly remarkable success, however match.com has scored success for such notable names as my brother, Ironcast and my non ex ex wife.

Yet…even though I can afford it,  even though I have already filled out all the needed knowledge to bring for the light of my countenance upon the fair faces of many fawning females (and foul ones too I foresee)…I cannot bring myself to pay the subscription fee. 

I have tried rapt readers.  I have left the account information page open for many a day till the need to close my computer has killed the page yon dating website resets upon.  I have worked out the math and the costs in countless ways to assure myself I’m not throwing my precious precious gold into a hole at the bottom of lake datingdisastor, home of the hockey mask wearing murder machine “REJECTIONMAN”.  I’ve even proven that I spent more money on tiny useless plastic army men in a week than I would to potentially find pursuant pleasure on a page of the web.    I’ve researched the net in hopes of finding that one testimonial that will make me say “YES, I need that website to make me whole again” and yet I still cannot make myself pay the accursed subscription fee.

I bought a GODDAMNED 5 dollar groupon that gives me 25 dollars of free internet dating services…and yet because it does not make it completely free…..I can not bring myself to use it

Perhaps it’s not the money that prevents me from using it…perhaps its deeper than that…..Perhaps I have a sickness.

so deeeeep

Me and Snowgloves have decided that once a week we are going to go to a place to eat we have never been before and then rate it by the appropriate amount of yohos’s.  If you don’t know what a yoho is look it up on the you-tubes under lumberjack games.  We are currently up to 4 times.  It is a brave new world I venture forth in.

Speaking of Snowgloves, Two months ago he moved in to my home due to unforeseen domicile destroying life events.  At first I was very excited to have my best friend living with me.  And then after the newness of said move wore off …I was still fairly pleased with the results.  However due to issues which are not mine but his to discuss, after 2 months he decided to move out and that’s just fine.  What all that leads to though is the fact that now I’m moving a new person into my house.  The largest difference between Snowgloves and new person is that the new person is a grrl.  The other important aspect is I have NEVER met her before.  So in effect, I am moving in a complete stranger…who is also  grrrl.  There are a few options here.  This may lead to some 3’s company-esque hi-jinx, which would be pretty entertaining.  There’s the highly unlikely concept of a bad porn scenario that someone mentioned to me once.  But most likely it will lead to me having to very much alter my current behavior as so not to horrify this poor lady and send her screaming to the stars to escape the home of horror that I currently reside in.  OR……shell be a total clean freak with a maid fetish and then my life will be PERFECT!!!  I’ll also have to give her an appropriate blog name.

Not 100% accurate description of my roommate

Speaking of blog names…some of my “friends” have inquired as to who they might be if mentioned in my blog.  Suffice it to say…it will probably not be wholly complimentary,  as I seem to be quite incapable of treating anyone with so much as a modicum of the respect they think they deserve. This may roll back around to that sickness I mentioned earlier, or be a new condition completely unrelated. 

Occasionally I mention my current lack of video game enthusiasm.  However lo and behold I have discovered a game that has pulled me right into it virtual grip.  This game is the new TombRaider.  Now I’m sure you all are just snickering your selves to death (one can only hope) that the new game that I am playing is the one that featured the buxom and rarely completely clad Lara Croft in it.  But behold banal bibliophiles this game features a younger less curvaceous Lara than you are all are used too.  She’s actually sensibly dressed THE WHOLE GAME!!  Wait wait…That’s not right.  Oh Never mind,  there are downloadable outfits I could purchase and you know…THERE ALSO SENSIBLE!!  Wait a second... what’s going on here.  Did the video game world produce a game featuring a female lead that is NOT there for the titillation of my virtual tasted buds?  Is her leap sand bound not over stylized so that I point wistfully and proclaim aloud like a urban youth oft depicted in TV comedys “Dayam Dat Ass!!”  And it’s still a game I like playing?  Well Howdeedoo…well done VG industry, you have impressed me with your maturity and grace in crafting such a game.  And by doing so you have made me a better, less reprehensible, misogynistic pig.  On the other hand I also want dead or alive 5……    

mmm...progress

I’m going to take a few seconds to “rant” about something that keeps coming up.  Most of you who read this know it already but perhaps some people don’t.  Remakes…yes we all hate them.  Hollywood seems quite incapable of coming up with something new and so their response to the frightening lack of creativity is to take movies that have some sort of cult connection and craft a cleaner cooler cinema experience for the newest younger dumber movie goer.  Whenever this happens invariably someone I know throws his hands to the sky to, very dramatically, lament that Hollywood is ruining their existence by making this remake.  I hear such word as “ruined”, “killed” and even sometimes “raped”…which I’m gonna be honest is pretty inappropriate to ever use for anything other than actual rape.

My annoyance with this is not that they hate the remake.  Sure hate it, its probably gonna be bad.  But in the fact that somehow they believe that the creation of this movie in some way takes away the quality of the original.  It does not.  The original is still the original and if you loved it you can run home and watch it RIGHT THEN and roll around wrapped up in a happy blanket of movie memories.  It’s still there for you like a really loyal god that won’t ever pee on the carpet .  Now…say if the makes of the new Robocop went out and wiped out every copy of the original Robocop so that I could never watch t again…then yes…fuck them, they have ruined my childhood.  But since that seems unlikely I’ll go see the remake and  it sucks tell people so and if it does not  then I’ll be happy.  But optimality I will always have the original Robocop to keep me warm at night.    

Age Quod Agis

Whats the point?

Last Blog I wrote one of my “friends” (as if I even have such people in my life) responded immediately to inform me in his poetic way that it

“Was about fucking time”… such language…

I assume this was based on the fact that it had been months since I had previously written a scintillating take on my nigh worthless existence. 

Now…I know that I have an exceedingly large ego that is much beyond the actual arrogance I should possess given my current status and placement on the planet.  But even I would not suspect that anyone gave a single solitary damn about what I write in regards to my monthly musings.  It was oddly reassuring that someone not only reads my blog, but had decided to chastise me for not writing more often.  I suppose I should try harder to make this a “reglear thang”  I guess I have been spurred to greater heights of literary  liaisons by the loquacious leanings of learned listeners (man these alliterations get worse and worse don’t they?) and there fore will endeavor to attempt to update more often for you my dearest and most beloved of ravenous readers.  Though it would help if more of you actually subscribed......just saying.

(In retrospect my ex-wife has also said the same but I may have written that off as “Nagging”)

So I saw “Pacific Rim”

HOLY JEEZUS ON A POPSICLE STICK THIS MOVIE WAS AWESOME!!!

Seriously, this is maybe the greatest thing I have ever seen .  Giant robots fighting giant monsters in the ocean with plasma cannons and rocket powered face punches.  Yes please.  I loved this movie.  Not loved in a nice I really like going to that film and enjoying a pleasing cinematic experience way;  but loved in a I think I might have gotten it pregnant and an really am hoping the test comes back negative way

Did it have plot holes? …YES

Was it cliche at times? …YES

Was their bad acting?...YES

Was it still the greatest movie since ……ever?…YES!!!

You there reading this blog, throw your computer down, grab your wallet and run to see it.  Don’t stop for traffic lights or babies in strollers or people holding hands enjoying love in the summertime.  They will just make you miss the opening SO RUN THEM OVER.  Go and see it …and come back a CHANGED MAN……or woman.

This was the hardest damn image to correlate that change comment to.....

As some of you might have guessed (cause I told you) I paint miniatures for my Tactical miniature combat game that I don’t play.  I’ve already resolved this incongruity in my life about collecting shit I am never going to use.  What I have not resolved is how GLACIALLY LIKE SLOW I am at painting them.  I like painting them… I really do…I’ll sit an hour or so hunched over like some demented hunchback painting an eyeball the size of a ants head…failing…and still feel its time worth spent.  But...actually going to sit down and start to do it.  That seems oddly hard.    Like if I said hey you …do you like ice cream and you said Hell yeah I love ice cream.  Ice cream is freaking awesome…Like, I’d wear ice cream if it was clothes, I’d drive ice cream if it was a car, I’d have sex with ice cream if it was a guurl…I might have sex with ice cream, even though it’s not a guurl and then I said do you want some  and then you said ..I don’t know…maybe I don’t like ice cream…WTH!!?? 

The conversation  might go something like this

Me “Hey you do you like ice cream?”

Guy:  “Hell yeah I love ice cream.  Ice cream is freaking awesome...I’d wear ice cream id if it was clothes,  I’d drive ice cream if it was a car, I’d have sex with ice cream if it was a guurl…I might have sex with ice cream, even though it’s not a guurl”

Me:  “Do you wants some?”

Guy:  “I don’t know…maybe  I don’t like ice cream.”

ME:   “Wth!!??”

It would be just like that.

So every Monday I indulge in some 1 dollar tacos from this place down the road that’s not a taco bell so there decent 1 dollar tacos and don’t you look at me like that you judgmental jerk.  At this restaurant is a waiter.  He’s a scruffy looking surfer dood who knows me and is good with my orders, knows what I drink and is fast, friendly and efficient.  And I’ve COMPLETELY abandoned his section in order to sit in the bar where I can be waited on by this waitress who …and I’ll border on being crude here, has a fantastic body.  And a pretty face... and I’m sure winning personality and intelligence or whatever.  I know why I sit in her section; I don’t need to explain it.  Last time, while debating with Ironcast on the feasibility of asking said hot guurl on a date,  I was reminded of a moment long long ago when I was at a restaurant with my friends and there was a cute waitress and I said to them I’ll go ahead  and ask her out cause I’m not afraid of the fairer sex…AND I DID!!!  But they said it wasn’t a good example of any sort of bravery cause they were there and it easier with friends around you.  Now while I, at the time,  protested this ludicrous theory, looking back on it ...HOLY JIMINY THEY WERE RIGHT!!  I only asked that poor guurl on a date (she said no and then showed me her engagement diamond…wow) because I was flanked by my would be cronies.  Man they must have embarrassed to be seated with me at that time when I made that waitress feel waaaaay uncomfortable with my bumbling forwardness…

Well good!!, the price of my awesome friendship is the rare moments like that.  Revel in my jerkiness.     

Point of this story?  I think I’ve made a lot of people uncomfortable over the years…and it fills me with dirty, slippery, oily JOY

So on my Facebook I have a friend named …..”Starfucked”…OK she’s not a friend, She’s a person I befriended on Facebook…which is not a true/good/loyal/anything friend..it’s more of some….chick…who models…in…less clothing than some other chicks wear…and is hot.

*Coughs uncomfortably*  

Point of that story,….I’m uhhh…”friends” with someone named “Starfucked”…..do I need a point?

Here's your point

NOT EVERY BLOG IS AWESOME!!!!! 

Finally...while writing this blog and looking for pictures to add to my change comment earlier I found this image as a potential image for use. 

not the image I chose

Curious as to where it came from I stumbles across a blog that was all about......some....really depressing stuff.  While my blog is sometimes introspective and occasionally vile..Its also meant to be ..hopefully... humorous.  This other person's blog is GODDAMNED depressing.  Page upon page upon page of the most sorrowful pitying I feel sad and I want you know about it blogging....dear lord get some sunshine buddy ...or drugs...or a prostitute....SOMETHING to cheer you up.  Looking it over I have to say...for all my friends who may suffer from some sort of clinical depression, you have my heartfelt  sympathies.  I cannot fathom the depths of despair that you are prone too and can only offer my support  and the heartfelt wish that you will feel better one day.   

And I'm glad I'm not you.  (see above jerk comment)   

Age Quod Agis   

You do what now?

Dichotomy …defined

 1:  A division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different.

2:  Repeated branching into two equal parts.

I’m gonna talk about the first definition.  I’m cheap…really cheap.  SOOPER CHEEP!!  I’m so cheap that cheap people thing I’m being stingy.  I will wheedle, scrounge, steal and sabotage my way through life to avoid paying for the full price of things.  I sneak into movies, ask for water at restaurants but drink sodas instead and keep a cup from McDonald's in my car so I don’t have to pay for cokes on the road.  I have…at one point…pulled a cup from the garbage at a theater…washed it out…and gotten a free refill at the front.  I know no limits of cheapness.    

When I was young was arrested not once…but twice for shoplifting of comics.  Not because I thought it might make me cool as many young bucks are want to do; but because I didn’t want to pay for them, even though I could have quite easily afforded it.

I’ve gone 3 years without car ac…in Texas

When bird make noise’s there talking about me …cheep cheep cheep.

I harassed 12 different people over the course of 2 months into giving me money so I didn’t have to pay for Rock-band (the video game). I only buy video games used and even then for not more than 20. 

Specifically related to my discussion of dichotomy, I fuel my war-hammer habit with purchases from Craigslist, where sad pathetic people in need of cash will sell their precious precious treasures to scumbags like me who low ball, whine, threaten and cajole them into giving up their goods, cause I know they need money and I’m willing to be an astronomical ass to them to get their stuff.

I’m fucking cheap

No Bob Crachet you cant have a raise!!!

Yet kickstarters……well dear god, what I won’t pay at retail or from another human being, I’ll shell out for on kick starter.  Crap I DO NOT EVEN WANT I have bought on kick starter because its ….kickstarter I guess.  Something about watching that total rise and those stretch goals get accomplished and that somehow I’m getting more than some other person just sucks me right in to a degrees that goes well beyond what one would consider reasonable even by the freak show I call my friends or normal people standards. Much less the "sucking lack of spend what its worth-ism" that I usually espouse. 

I need to just figure out a way to keep my computer form even going to the kickstarter page.  Permanently block that site to keep me from joining the next big thing of absolute worthlessness.  I curse the person who came up with kickstarter…he’s a dick.  And someone should tell him that…..with a baseball bat.

When I was younger, all my friends were,  at one point,  in a relationship…with a gurl…or something.  One of the things that they did was go on double days to have breakfast together.  As being a single dood I was not invited to these events…and when I was invited to events with them my severe singleness was significantly striking in its specious seeming.  (I used synonyms to make that previous alliteration happen…go me)  When you’re the only bro without a ho so to speak, your aware of it .  How awesome for me that when I was enjoying yon spurs game with my friends…a familiar feeling flowed up my spine.  And upon further reflection, I realized it was the forgotten foe that I thought I had bested in my prime.    I was the single guy in a group of couples.  Ahh….lucky me. 

Someone buy me this

I only have 6 Vampirella statues…. I need another one

DON'T YOU FUCKING  JUDGE ME!!!

Man I’m working this one Friday morning and suddenly I just get really jazzed about …stuff.  All the stuff.  Like super manically so.  If my whole life was like this I’d have no friends.  Come to think of it…I don’t have a lot of friends currently   Even my cat ran away from me.  And she’s a cat.  Her whole existence is sitting like 2 feet out of range of my hand so if I want to pet her I have to WORK for it.  That’s not fair.  Stupid cat.  I listened to this one song “Its always a good time” like…30 times.

Not including remixes...that's like maybe 3 hours of the same damned song.  THE SAME...SONG!!!  I wonder if I’d have a girlfriend if I was like this all the time.  I wonder if I’d even have any friends at all.  I posted a lot of my feelings of the night on Facebook, cause really at 4 am in the morning how else am I force myself on people.  I cant call them.  well i could, but I didn't.  I took a screen shot of how many FB friends I had before I started doing this.  Tomorrow I may take3 a screen shot of how many friends I have left after a night of randomly posting inane bullshit at people on Facebook.  And why Facebook?  Cause there a captive audience.  They may not want to read my inane drivel…but if I’m clever and I tag a person in it they’ll read it anyway…..they have to.  No one can resist the siren call of the message box telling you you’ve been tagged in a message. HAHAHAHA I’m fucking evil.  Or I’m fucking weird.  Or I’m weirdly evil…or I’m fucking fucked .  I’m one of those and I like it!!!!

On a morose note.  One of the strangest, alienating feeling you can have is to look at another person and the things they do.  And then realize that the things they do now are different than the things they did when you were with them.  Suddenly you realize. They didn’t do that cause it was you who stopped them.   Whether because you didn’t want to do said activity, had no interest or just it never occurred to even try.  At the end, the reason they didn’t do that thing is because you stopped them.  The worse thing I can think of to be in life is a limiter to someone else’s happiness or potential.  To have in some way held them back.  It’s a cold stark blow when you have that revelation and one that many of you do not share.  I found it somewhat depressing.

My first world problems are such downers

 And finally,  while I often cast dispersion on the world of Facebook and decry its utter inanity as a forum of actual intelligent ideas.  I do have to relay a recent story that would not have been possible without the wide world of Facebook “friends’ to have made it possible.  There is a artist by the name of Stanly Lau who is quite the creative Korean digital artisan. 

Hi Stanley!!

 Two times a year he deigns to grace his American fandom with his presence at a con.  One of these cons is the fabled pie in the sky quite impossible to attend San Diego comicon, or sdcc for short.  At this cons he sells a limited number of prints that are quite impossible to get a hold of anywhere else apart for the money pit that is eBay.  Realizing that I had 0 chance of obtaining a ticket to SDCC I went to his face book page and scrolled down through the list of people who were going.  All them received pleasant message asking if they might assist me in getting some of his fantabulous art work.  Of the 16 I queried.  One said yes.  I took a risk and sent him a sizable sum of currency and prayed it would all be all right mommy please do not lock me in the bad room again.  Lo and fortune  it all worked out and I was sent a lovely collection of art work that I have nowhere to display. 

The point of this pontification is that …in this land of information superhighways I can contact a person I’ve never met or heard of, make a request send electronic money to , and get good back…without ever having to leave my house.  There something poignant about that...or sad 

Next time.  Why giant robots ate my face off

Age Quod Agis