Chest Pains

Let’s talk about coffee and the act of drinking coffee.  We all think it’s pretty damn good.    Also…we all drink coffee…except a few that oddly seemed to hate coffee but there the minority and so don’t really matter.  But if you don’t like coffee…you’re not doomed to drink tea by yourself for all time.   You go somewhere you want some and spend a few dollars and it’s easy and no one cares that you do it.  It’s not illegal to buy a cup of coffee and cops don’t dress up as baristas to try to trick you into buying coffee and then arrest you.  Drinking coffee is not a victimless crime…it’s not a crime at all.  Some people like coffee with cream and sugar.  Some like it black.  Some like it made with all kinds of weird extra ingredients and a design in the foam and other people think this is just weird and that good coffee should just be simple.  Coffee lacks emotional investment.  No one gets mad if I go have coffee with some other cute girl when I’m married or those two guys over there drinking coffee together is like…totally fucked up man and should be outlawed.  Huge fights don’t erupt over who drinks coffee with who.  Church doesn’t hate coffee and tries to make you feel bad if you drink coffee with the intention of just enjoying it.  Dudes don’t surf the net looking for hot chicks drinking coffee and swear that 2 girls having coffee is fucking hawt and high five each over it.  You can drink it publicly and without shame.  There’s no special party held where coffee drinkers get together and drink coffee and talk about how the general populace doesn’t understand their coffee drinking needs.  No one has coffee literature hidden in their closet and only reads it when no one’s around.   If you walk in on your friend drinking coffee…more often than not he’ll ask you to join him for a cup and it’s not awkward at all.  There’s no coffee walk of shame.  There is no legal requirement to drinking coffee.  If I want I can drink any cup of coffee I Like and the government can’t say anything about it.  People aren’t grossed out if my coffee is old and it’s not illegal is my coffee is super fresh.

It's Just coffee....man

See what I did there?

More things should be like coffee.

   

So there are a few things in the world that I am fazed by.  I’m fairly unfazible.  Unlike Kitty Pryde of the X-men I don’t faze often (quiver at my appalling geekery)  My cool easy going demeanor is both smooth and delicious as my many hundreds (tens) of friend will attest too.  However I have now found the one thing that will definitely faze the fuck out of me.  That is the Internal Revenue Service (also known affectionately as the IRS)sending me a very lovely letter telling me that I owe them …..

ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!

Have you ever been punched in the heart? Not the chest but the actual bloody beating exposed heart. I imagine that is similar to the feeling that I felt when I cheerfully popped up their envelope and read that the government thinks I owe them more money than I have possibly ever made. Like they had hidden some very tiny but very strong karate champion in the envelope, who then hopped out and punched me in my bloody beating ooey gooey heart screaming “hi-ya!!” or “supplies!!” (if you get that reference I’ll tell you you’re pretty and mean it) or some other awesome battle cry . That’s being fazed sir…that is being fazed like a son of a bitch.

Here's a pic of Kitty Pryde in bondage watching game of thrones....figure that crazy shit out

My Birthday occurred and I failed to age gracefully one more year making it a record 38 times that I have failed to accomplish this feat.  I instead ate a metric ton of meat, sugar and cheese, wasted other people’s money and forced people who do or do not like me to fawn over my very existence.  Much like the last birthday and the one before it etc.  People came and said the obligatory words, some bestowed me with gifts of food or food cooking apparatuses (apparatie?)  and I felt mostly good about the event, with the exception that though I fell exactly like I did last year where I had felt exactly like I had the year before I don’t feel exactly like I did when I was 20.  I feel that this is an titanic injustice that must be righted …and if I knew how to do that without going to jail I would be doing that  instead of writing this inane blog that you are currently reading (or not reading as I’m sure there 70 odd billion people out there doing RIGHT THIS MOMENT!!!).  The process of aging is slow and terrible and I highly advise you to avoid it if you can and please when you learn how to do that let me know because I’ll give you a shiny new dollar.

This should make up for the pseudo porn from up above

Eminem white rapper extraordinaire has made a song that uses "The Stroke"as its chorus called   Bezerk  It is the latest song on my list of songs that I listened to maybe 35 times in a row one night while ”working”  Enjoy it now.  As white rappers go I think Eminem is maybe less rapper for white people than other rappers out there like….Will Smith for instance.  Who is very white person friendly IMO, despite his non-white skin coloring.

Good job Will Smith?

Speaking of being white which as you might have guessed I very much am, lately I have run repeatedly into the phrase white privilege.  Well let’s admit it…being white is indeed very awesome but that’s certainly not the only amazing thing about my life that I have.   Let’s look at all the privilege I got going on here.  I got white privilege, male privilege, class privilege, education privilege, family privilege, house privilege, skinny privilege, single person privilege......alive privilege?  I got a lot of privilege happening here. However at some point though can we just admit that maybe were bandying the privilege word around too much?  Yes…some people have more than others…do we really need to add more words?   Can’t I just be whatever awesome thing I am and revel in the awesome of that without attaching a new word to it?  Must I be American privileged, omnivore privileged, all 4 of my limbs privileged, have friends privileged, own furniture privileged, my taste buds work privileged… Are people with more hair than me hair privileged?  Is Barack Obama president privilege?  Is this me being…..a privilege-ist.  Tell me I’m wrong…..wave your “Right to say what you want on the Internet privilege” in my face.   Feel silly for doing so.

I tried though

One last note as I did my image search for this blog to be all the LOLZ I typed in "sexy coffee".  You would be surprised at the amount of almost porn like images of hot people with coffee came up.  If you need masturbatory material to make your Monday more mellow I highly suggest you give it a try.


Age Quod Agis

Chinese Melons

I was going to talk about Godzilla but we all saw it and loved so really what more is there to say.

But since it was good here's a cool picture.

King Ghidora hates politics

Imagine you have a car.  And it’s great (OK it's pretty good).  It looks good it has new tires and a sweet paint job…red like that Garfield cartoon.  White trim along the side, the awesome spoiler that you like that everyone else thinks is dumb but they're wrong cause it’s not dumb and just look at it.  It’s the coolest spoiler ever.  The radio is awesome and has a SEE DEE player in it, the lights are bright the leather is deluxe and the mirrors are shiny shiny .  The car is freakin’ sweet.  Now take this awesome fucking car (or at least pretty good one) and imagine that it’s missing one thing …..The gas pedal for instance.  Everything else is great but that gas pedal is missing.   And to top it off, there is no replacement gas pedal you can purchase.  There’s not one damn gas pedal that fits your car sir.  It just ain’t happening.  You can sort poke a stick down there or try some word glue thing or buy a different gas pedal that won’t really fit but its awkward and looks weird and gives you a blister on your heel.  The car will drive, just not quite like you want it to drive.    

So …despite loving the car and wanting to keep it…you go buy another car. WITH a gas pedal.  Cause man every goddamn person in the world likes to have a gas pedal and your car doesn’t and that will just not stand.  Because it’s missing that one fucking part that car is an abysmal failure of a car.  98% is great but that 2% fucks you every time

That’s the analogy of my life.  And it sucks sometimes and I’m bitter so there.

This apparently is the most bitter melon in the world…I must have eaten one

 You know what awesome about paintball. It is a clear and hard reminder that you are not 20.  As I donned my gear and strode out on the field feeling very manly and cool I thought, I should be able to do this for quite a while.  It’s a nice day, my guns not too heavy and my gas mask breathes well and I have a clever hat featuring a wrestling superstar that may be retired.  That’s super cool.  And I feel super cool.

CM punk says "Cool hat bro"

"But you don’t work out and you have a sedentary desk job.  Surely this paint balling will kill you."

No No say I.  For paint ball is about the gun and the shooting and superior dexterity.  All shooting uses dexeteriy...my RPG book's all agree  I shall hustle to a spot, stand there and rain pain upon my foes from afar with gas powered paint projectiles and they will die and scream out in waves as I laugh behind my wall of ego and hutzpah. 

And then the siren goes off.  And you hustle.  And hustling is hard.  What the hell, I’m a tad winded and I sprinted like….6 feet.  How did that happen?  But that cool cause its shooting time and I’m fucking ready for shooting time.  Don’t you know, that’s why I showed up to this par-tay; for the shooting of mine enemies.  So you stand up and then instantly fling yourself to the ground as a hail of gas powered paint ball come hurtling YOUR direction.  This is not going as planned.  You do the pop and shoot and then realize you are going to have to …..GO ELSEWHERE cause staying in one spot is suicide as your enemies come for you with malevolence in their eyes.  So doing the low crawl/run shuffle that looks good in movies but looks stupid when you do it, you head for other barrels.  And yet even though you have devised this near perfect stratagem they STILL send paint your way.  And then someone shoots you in the elbow and you die.  And after that 5 min burst of energy….You are damn tired!!  And why are you tired…cause you not 20 anymore and you don’t work out and have a sedentary job.  Well done paintball, I have been shown up.

How I think I look

 VS

How I really look

 

 

 Age Quod Agis

Till death do us paint....

So here’s some back ground info for those of you who

A:  Don’t read my blog

B: Don’t care about my blog

C: Are stupid and don’t remember what you read in my blog

D: All of the above…which I think is probably most of you

I like kick-starters, or to be more specific I like miniature kick-starters …cause…apparently I collect miniatures and paint them or something.  It’s a hobby, we all have them don’t look so scandalized.  As I attempted to go to sleep one morning I thought briefly to all the kick-starters that have yet to arrive and what I’m getting out of them.  Let’s say this lead to a road I should not have traveled upon. Let’s do the math together like a fun elementary school activity.  It’ll be fun,

No really it will be lots of fun

JUST DO IT GODDAMMIT!!!!

Relic knights:  70 miniatures

Kingdom Death:  80 miniatures

TGG:  200 miniatures

Cthulhu wars:  100 miniatures

Wrath of Kings:  220 miniatures

Reaper bones 2:  300 miniatures

Shadows of Brimstone:  205 miniatures

Dreadball Extreme:  240 miniatures

SDE Forgotten Kingdom:  110 miniatures

Grand total of this monumentally massive mound of stuff if it every truly comes in?  1345 Miniatures.  Here I’ll make it sound more impressive

ONE THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE MINIATURES

See its bold type and everything

Now …here is the real fun math part.  IF I painted 1 miniature a day it would take me 3 and a half years to paint them all…..BUT….it actually takes me about 7 days to paint a miniature given the quality I want, the time I spend not doing it cause I'm lazy or stupid or doing anything else and the mistakes I have to fix….sooooo 3.5 times 7 add the 2 carry the 12.....is about 28 years…….

shocking discovery

Twenty Eight  years (see bold for effect again) to paint every miniature I…WILL BE getting…..not counting what I already own which is ALOT.  This is not a small number people.  This is the opposite of small numbers, this is what is known as a LAAAAAAARGE number.  And none of this includes my garage kits…which are ALSO not a small number….

I will be at the very least….Sixty Five years old when I actually have any chance of finishing my hobby.....HOLY FUCK BATMAN……I truly did not realize the scope of this till this morning…and then I wept tears of bloody blood for about an hour.  An hour I could have been painting if truth be told.  This is unreasonable. The words I have typed up at you are not reasonable, nothing about anything I have said is reasonable in the slightest.   NO REASON WAS APPLIED HERE TODAY.

This insane epiphany led me to wonder about what else I do that might make me add to my puddle of bloody tears.  This also was not a good idea.  Video games?...  At least…20-30 unplayed.  TV shows?... Countless series I need to watch.  Jesus I am not even done with season 2 of Game of Thrones …and apparently there making more seasons…MOOOOORE SEASONS!!!!!  Well crap. I don’t want to be left behind but that’s too bad because I am.

All this means I could quit my job, head home, sit my placed posterior on my padded pillowed couch in my house and start to consume endless hours of electronic entertainment, voraciously devour vast video games and hard core hurl my handsomeness into a heap of hobbies…and then  die when I turn 80 something still not having completely completed any of them .  That will be on my tombstone….

”Didn’t finish his shit….What a Jerk”

Me when I'm done painting

So what hobbies do you have that when looked at in the long run makes you hemorrhage internally.  I can’t be the only one.  Please dear god let me not be the only one


To all those who now want to ask "well Rayphoton how much cash did you spend on your kickstarters?"

"nuff" said

I went and saw Under the Skin with my brother, my brother’s grrrlfreind and my grrrlfrind Witoonub.  It was ……unique.  And not particularly enjoyed by everyone in the group.  The reason it was not enjoyed is because it does not actually take anytime to tell you what is actually happening.  As you might imagine…this leaves …a lot…to the imagination.  Sometimes my imagination is not awesome.  And I will admit, I do like some, not a lot, but some dialogue that ACTUALLY TELLS ME WHATS GOING ON!!  This was not provided in ample amounts.  Still Scarlett Johansson emotes well…and at one point some dude dances before being eaten by a floor of goop and then there were the dead parents and the baby and the dude on the bike and…you know…its best to let you just watch it on your own. Just don’t say you were not warned.

She doesn't look like this in the movie...but really...do you care?

Witoonyub the aforementioned grrrlfriend decided to leave me an Easter treat.  She surreptitiously left a few eggs constructed of cheap colored plastic around the house.  Each of these filled with either Hershey peanut butter cups or a Cadbury Creme Egg.  When I say a few eggs I mean 36 and when I say a Cadbury Creme Egg  I mean 22.  I shouldn’t say this out loud…but she may be trying to kill me, with sugar.

 

 For those of you interested here is the history of the Cadbury Creme Egg.  Witness in horror the fact that a company that sell one item for 1 month of the year makes 200 million dollars.

It ok to cry when it hurts that bad

Next time we discuss Godzilla and why I might have made a mess on the back of the head of the guy in front of me when I watched it

 

Age Quod Agis 

 

We are fire....We are stone

Screw this video

http://io9.com/this-newly-released-footage-felix-baumgartners-space-j-1513187429

I seriously had a case of anxiety watching this.   I felt…..fear…and I was safe and sound on my well-grounded  couch.  These guys, they have no fear

So Stanley “Artgerm” Lau (who is really quite the talented illustrator)  makes this picture of Elsa from “Frozen” which  was really  very much an excellent movie and I highly recommend you go see it cause it’s been running for like ever so it has to be somewhere for you to see it

Here’s the pic

Shes so cold she hawt

Anyway, the thing that really got to me concerning this excellent picture by this excellent artist was the excellent mother fucking hair she’s rocking.  Seriously, even if I wasn’t doing the q- bald shuffle this is seriously bad ass hair.  I would kill that animated Elsa chick for her hair.  I would shave her dead head balds and staple it to my own smooth scalp with an INDUSTRIAL  stapler and then…I'd go head banging.  Yes my friend I would bang my head.  If I had hair like this, I would stand on top of a the tallest building in NY and I would head bang nice and slow with my glorious hair swinging in the wind like some blonde dragon of norse mythology and the people of the earth would all gather at my feet and we would all head bang together listening to Dio’s “Last in Line” and the world would be torn asunder by the epic-ness of out hardcore hair fueled head bang-along of hellishness.  

It is a beautiful dream

So you like pizza….you think your man enough for pizza….you thing you can step up and down the pizza of ages.  Do lesser pizzas piss you off with their sad pizza posing and potential plebian part appearance?  Then you sir need to get yourself to Austin and go to Arpeggios’ where they have a 30 inch pizza…that is so big,  I only ate 2 slices and was full.  And Iron cast who is a much bigger foodslut than I only ate 4, and then he was full.   He’s a failure ……and so am I.  And that’s awesome because it was a 30 inch pizza and that means ultimately…we won

I don't who this is...but they are winning!!!!

Snowgloves now has a grrrrl friend (that he met on OKcupid after being on it for like…20 min so fuck him if he says no one likes him{totally not bitter}) who has yet to earn a slightly dismissive name on my blog yet and we ate the aforementioned pizza of doom with her just last night.  So Snowgloves is once again in the ranks of the dating and my long lasting theory that if one of us is single than the other must be dating someone has final been crushed, unless, my new grrrlfried who shall now be known asssss……… Witcoonub (if you can possibly figure out what that name means I will give you 100 dollars…seriously) decided to just break up with me out of nowhere then…my theories will be confirmed and I will be proven right again.  Which I suppose is some small solace for the fact that I will have had to return to sad singledom.   Also man did you see that terribly written run on sentence I just made….go me!!

To expound upon a point previously made, if I did return to singledom…I think I’d be done.  While relationships are very nice and it’s fairly neat to have a grrrl who likes you and wants to be with you…the amount of time engaged in looking for this said magical creature was really bothersome and lame.  It took a long time, was chock full of rejection and ….made me realize that I’m not really as desirable as my staggering ego of the ages had led me to believe (and it was staggering).    I believe at one point in my younger years I decidedly declared myself one of the beautiful people.  A beautiful person with terrible hygiene perhaps, but at least I was wondrous to look at from afar.   This is not so.  I …am merely …average.  And that’s a painful point concede.   So im not gonn do it anymore...cause I am an ADULT!!  I do what I want.  If I am to be single again at some point in my future, I think I’ll just learn to deal with it.  But let’s hope that doesn’t happen though shall we. 

Also congrats Snowgloves, you’re …..Dating.  We all have the feels yo’

As mentioned in my previous blog if someone responded I'd take the time out of my life to talk about my relationship and low and behold someone did indeed respond.  It is also my grrrlfriend Witcoonub (which is a much less flattering name the blumoonsprite her online nom de plume).  My relationship with her is we are THE DATING.  Which means I spend lots of money on her and unlike when I do it to other people I don’t really mind or am filled with some growing need to murder their parents to get my cash back.  And that my friend is true romance Rayphoton style.  More than overcoming my inherent cheapness however is her ability to actually listen to my prattling parade of witless witticisms and actually dredge up the ability to convincingly laugh at them.  That…that is dedication and love people.  The kind of dedication people who explode bombs on their chests or have to win chess matches against robots have.  Respect it    

She also brings me cake.   And while it’s pretty terrible for my waistline…it does wonders for my taste buds. Cause seriously….motherfucking cake!!!   Amiright?

 

I think I’ll keep this chick around for a while……

Age Quod Agis