Welcome Ladies.....

So, after I wrote my previous blog a small number of “fans” contacted me and said words like

“So I guess your new relationship is over”

“Man, I’m sorry you broke up with her”

“Really wow, it seemed like it was going so well”

And the most bone chilling terror inducing response “ummm…So I was reading your blog…….”

Why all these weird responses you ask?   Well…its cause I’m currently seeing a girl.  And the blog I mentioned was written in reference to events that happened last year and not right now.  You can now see the potential confusion.  The reason the last comment was so terrifying was that it came from, in fact, the girl who I’m seeing.  So she either

1:  Thought she was the girl I was referencing (she was not)

2:  Thought that the girl was referencing was current (she is not)

3:  Didn’t care because the rest of my blog was terribly offensive and the break up was to happen …IMMEDIATELY.  (It did not)

Moral to take from this story.  TELL PEOPLE ABOUT YOUR STUPID TELL-ALL BLOG BEFORE THEY RANDOMLY STUMBLE ACROSS IT BECAUSE YOU USE FACEBOOK LIKE A “SPECIAL” PERSON WITH THE IQ ROUGHLY  TO 1 TO  THE  100TH POWER.  Not just a moron…a “special” moron which is teacher talk for “your brain doesn’t work so well no more.”

I know this cause the new girl  calls me special sometimes…..and shes a teacher

SPEAKING OF THE NEW GIRL!!!  As everyone in my blog gets a soooper clever nickname I guess I’ll have to give her one as well to be fair.  However while radiant goddess, enchantress of the meadow or angel from on high seem initially appropriate, in retrospect they may be too grandiose and cause me to lose all 5 of my current subscribers.  (I love you 5 subscribers)  So...I’m going to give her the title of “The Teacher”   I hope she appreciates that she has been given this  title as it’s a reference a thing that she and I …you know what... That explanation takes too long and I love the brevity.  Regardless she’s wonderful and amazing and I really don’t have the literary capacity to fully emote how SOOOPER GRATE  I think she is cause someone once called me emotionally stunted and it stuck.   

Welcome “the Teacher” to my blog 

Also I’m quickly learning to fear the opening of a text that starts with ” ummmmm…” That is never a good start.

Based on the imposing horror that the new girl is reading my blog and I may be (correctly) judged, I  went back and re-read my blog.  Wow…..life is crazy different now then it was in 2011when I started this inane thing.  I no longer report on what food I’m eating or what statues I’m buying or what my day being unemployed is like.  Now I talk about deep stuff…like…something deep…I wrote about…once…It was super deep, trust me and don't bother checking.

Anyway I wrote some pretty clever things in my not really so humble opinion.  I was dedicated.  I’d do 2-3 blogs a month.  That is like a job or something…. A job minus the pay,  benefits or other amenities that a real job provides you…such as pay…..which is most important and so I referenced it twice . 

Pet peeve time.  Do you like movies; do you enjoy the joy of slumping in a dark theater with a hundred total strangers consuming large formatted media and Dolby surround sound pumped out by mega-watt speakers designed to liquefy your brain and bones into a cinema coated carapace of……I can’t think of a another C word here.  Do you like the movie to be new and exciting and surprising? 

APPARENTLY YOU DO NOT!!

Eleven whole minute of batman vs superman has been released.  Spiderman catching Captain America’s shield, the giant warship of the aliens pushing itself out f the atmosphere on fire from the ID4 sequel.  All these things have been taken away from me now.  TAKEN AWAY…Like some invisible terror of the night they have been plucked from me like the aforementioned terrible monster pulling my teeth out of my head one at a TIME WHILE I BEG AND SCREAM FOR THEM TO STOP.  For the love of humanity have some respect for those who want to be surprised for once in their miserable sad unsurprising lives,  

Not that my life is miserable...just...you know…not “surprising”. Or…interesting…whatever.

Not an actual representation of my life

Age quod Agis

Resin Cain

I build garage kits.  Not garages you un-informed peon but models  of movie characters, monsters and hawt grrrrls that are sculpted by fans made out of resin and then sold to and collectors.  The moniker that they have comes from the fact that these models were usually made in someone’s garage (resin fumes being toxic and prone to cause issues where you stop making sense, fall over and conk your head potentially killing yourself or making  it impossible to see the color green, smell tomatoes  or some such wacky brain related trauma).  Welcome to education

Not a realistic depiction of me .....

That is to say...I tell people I build garage kits. What I ACTUALLY  do is buy garage kits, look a the parts and then stuff them in my closet to hide them so that they can’t see me and revel me to be the garage kit building fraud that they truly know me to be. .Occasionally I have to clean my closet and basically stare at the floor like an embarrassed possum caught trying to steal food  as I shuffle the boxes  around so the kits  won’t see the shame in my eye as I continuously ignore them in favor of painting miniatures that are easier and much less intimidating to me I think cause there very small and no one can actually tell if there painted well or not especially since all my friends are talentless shmoes who assume any art done by anyone  is a work of Jesus or a miracle from god.   (Exceptions you know who you are so don’t send me angry message telling me that your talented...I know this...I just choose not to acknowledge you cause it makes me feel awkward.)

When asked I tell people I'm a garage kit builder and if they ask to see my kits I then offer to buy them dinner because there easily distracted by the offer of free food. Some, having realized this failing in my personality ask about my kits often but the best they get is McDonalds, Wendy’s or if I’m feeling particular shamed and/or generous Whataburger.  And since they still want the free food an uneasy balance lies where I have to buy them food but not spend too much money. Which is good because I need my money for more kits to buy that I can then be afraid of.

My life it too complex at times and some have accused me of sharing too much....

I went on a date with a girl…three of them to be precise (Dates not girls).  This is alarming because my ability to get dates is pretty scarce. However on these three dates I did learn a few things.

One…my baldness bugs me and is what I pretty much blame my lack of excellent dating prowess.  Cause try as I might I COULD NOT take my hat off when talking to this girl for fear of the inevitable hail of laughter and scorn soon to follow the revealing of my skull like bald pate and its unearthly pale glow (cause of the aforementioned hat I wear...allllll the time).  This realization has not improved my demeanor when it comes to the subject of whether hot grrsl will be interested in me.  I feel they won’t

Two…  If all you have in common is a enjoyment of food….well…then you are hosed cause that conversation dries up like rain in Texas in August.  AKA …..Right fucking fast

Three…  The BEST possible outcome for awkward dating times is after he last date…when you look at each other in the eyes …smile…part your soft moist lips, lean in close and intimate……and then hug awkwardly saying, hey I’ll see you soon .  And then never talk again….ever.  That’s an awesome way to end dating a girl and I highly recommend it to all my friends.  That is if they could actually get a date at all.

Age Quod Agis