Welcome Ladies.....

So, after I wrote my previous blog a small number of “fans” contacted me and said words like

“So I guess your new relationship is over”

“Man, I’m sorry you broke up with her”

“Really wow, it seemed like it was going so well”

And the most bone chilling terror inducing response “ummm…So I was reading your blog…….”

Why all these weird responses you ask?   Well…its cause I’m currently seeing a girl.  And the blog I mentioned was written in reference to events that happened last year and not right now.  You can now see the potential confusion.  The reason the last comment was so terrifying was that it came from, in fact, the girl who I’m seeing.  So she either

1:  Thought she was the girl I was referencing (she was not)

2:  Thought that the girl was referencing was current (she is not)

3:  Didn’t care because the rest of my blog was terribly offensive and the break up was to happen …IMMEDIATELY.  (It did not)

Moral to take from this story.  TELL PEOPLE ABOUT YOUR STUPID TELL-ALL BLOG BEFORE THEY RANDOMLY STUMBLE ACROSS IT BECAUSE YOU USE FACEBOOK LIKE A “SPECIAL” PERSON WITH THE IQ ROUGHLY  TO 1 TO  THE  100TH POWER.  Not just a moron…a “special” moron which is teacher talk for “your brain doesn’t work so well no more.”

I know this cause the new girl  calls me special sometimes…..and shes a teacher

SPEAKING OF THE NEW GIRL!!!  As everyone in my blog gets a soooper clever nickname I guess I’ll have to give her one as well to be fair.  However while radiant goddess, enchantress of the meadow or angel from on high seem initially appropriate, in retrospect they may be too grandiose and cause me to lose all 5 of my current subscribers.  (I love you 5 subscribers)  So...I’m going to give her the title of “The Teacher”   I hope she appreciates that she has been given this  title as it’s a reference a thing that she and I …you know what... That explanation takes too long and I love the brevity.  Regardless she’s wonderful and amazing and I really don’t have the literary capacity to fully emote how SOOOPER GRATE  I think she is cause someone once called me emotionally stunted and it stuck.   

Welcome “the Teacher” to my blog 

Also I’m quickly learning to fear the opening of a text that starts with ” ummmmm…” That is never a good start.

Based on the imposing horror that the new girl is reading my blog and I may be (correctly) judged, I  went back and re-read my blog.  Wow…..life is crazy different now then it was in 2011when I started this inane thing.  I no longer report on what food I’m eating or what statues I’m buying or what my day being unemployed is like.  Now I talk about deep stuff…like…something deep…I wrote about…once…It was super deep, trust me and don't bother checking.

Anyway I wrote some pretty clever things in my not really so humble opinion.  I was dedicated.  I’d do 2-3 blogs a month.  That is like a job or something…. A job minus the pay,  benefits or other amenities that a real job provides you…such as pay…..which is most important and so I referenced it twice . 

Pet peeve time.  Do you like movies; do you enjoy the joy of slumping in a dark theater with a hundred total strangers consuming large formatted media and Dolby surround sound pumped out by mega-watt speakers designed to liquefy your brain and bones into a cinema coated carapace of……I can’t think of a another C word here.  Do you like the movie to be new and exciting and surprising? 

APPARENTLY YOU DO NOT!!

Eleven whole minute of batman vs superman has been released.  Spiderman catching Captain America’s shield, the giant warship of the aliens pushing itself out f the atmosphere on fire from the ID4 sequel.  All these things have been taken away from me now.  TAKEN AWAY…Like some invisible terror of the night they have been plucked from me like the aforementioned terrible monster pulling my teeth out of my head one at a TIME WHILE I BEG AND SCREAM FOR THEM TO STOP.  For the love of humanity have some respect for those who want to be surprised for once in their miserable sad unsurprising lives,  

Not that my life is miserable...just...you know…not “surprising”. Or…interesting…whatever.

Not an actual representation of my life

Age quod Agis

Resin Cain

I build garage kits.  Not garages you un-informed peon but models  of movie characters, monsters and hawt grrrrls that are sculpted by fans made out of resin and then sold to and collectors.  The moniker that they have comes from the fact that these models were usually made in someone’s garage (resin fumes being toxic and prone to cause issues where you stop making sense, fall over and conk your head potentially killing yourself or making  it impossible to see the color green, smell tomatoes  or some such wacky brain related trauma).  Welcome to education

Not a realistic depiction of me .....

That is to say...I tell people I build garage kits. What I ACTUALLY  do is buy garage kits, look a the parts and then stuff them in my closet to hide them so that they can’t see me and revel me to be the garage kit building fraud that they truly know me to be. .Occasionally I have to clean my closet and basically stare at the floor like an embarrassed possum caught trying to steal food  as I shuffle the boxes  around so the kits  won’t see the shame in my eye as I continuously ignore them in favor of painting miniatures that are easier and much less intimidating to me I think cause there very small and no one can actually tell if there painted well or not especially since all my friends are talentless shmoes who assume any art done by anyone  is a work of Jesus or a miracle from god.   (Exceptions you know who you are so don’t send me angry message telling me that your talented...I know this...I just choose not to acknowledge you cause it makes me feel awkward.)

When asked I tell people I'm a garage kit builder and if they ask to see my kits I then offer to buy them dinner because there easily distracted by the offer of free food. Some, having realized this failing in my personality ask about my kits often but the best they get is McDonalds, Wendy’s or if I’m feeling particular shamed and/or generous Whataburger.  And since they still want the free food an uneasy balance lies where I have to buy them food but not spend too much money. Which is good because I need my money for more kits to buy that I can then be afraid of.

My life it too complex at times and some have accused me of sharing too much....

I went on a date with a girl…three of them to be precise (Dates not girls).  This is alarming because my ability to get dates is pretty scarce. However on these three dates I did learn a few things.

One…my baldness bugs me and is what I pretty much blame my lack of excellent dating prowess.  Cause try as I might I COULD NOT take my hat off when talking to this girl for fear of the inevitable hail of laughter and scorn soon to follow the revealing of my skull like bald pate and its unearthly pale glow (cause of the aforementioned hat I wear...allllll the time).  This realization has not improved my demeanor when it comes to the subject of whether hot grrsl will be interested in me.  I feel they won’t

Two…  If all you have in common is a enjoyment of food….well…then you are hosed cause that conversation dries up like rain in Texas in August.  AKA …..Right fucking fast

Three…  The BEST possible outcome for awkward dating times is after he last date…when you look at each other in the eyes …smile…part your soft moist lips, lean in close and intimate……and then hug awkwardly saying, hey I’ll see you soon .  And then never talk again….ever.  That’s an awesome way to end dating a girl and I highly recommend it to all my friends.  That is if they could actually get a date at all.

Age Quod Agis

   

Praise Da Jesus

Its 4:20 am in the morning and I feel the need to wax poetic.

I often talk religion with my friends.  First off let me be clear... I am not religious.  I do not believe in a Christian god or that there is an all-powerful mystical force out there who guides and protects us with his huge god hand or that if we suck as people we are going to some place filled with fire and scary demon gribblies or that if we are really nice and follow a very detailed, prescribed set of commands and terms that we get to go to awesome awesome land filled with awesome awesome people and fluffy clouds and potentially smoking hot girls with wings.  IF heaven is real then I’m definitely not going there due to my unstable moral state and lack of BE-lief and boy when I get to hell will my face be red.  And burnt probably.

But yes Religion is all dumb…to ME

In my ever so humble opinion religion as a whole is a tool used to control and manipulate people.  Let me break this down for you.  People use religion like the following: Man tells people that he has contact with super powerful awesome god like creature and that he...conveniently…is the mouth piece of said awesome super powerful awesome god like creature.  He indicate to you...the unwashed masses…that there is a mystical force out there that can  and will punish you and if you don’t do what he, the mouth piece of this awesomely, terrible and powerful entity, wants you to do, you will be punished.  And not like told off, or given a stern lecture or sent to your room, but like really seriously scary punished.  Burned alive or eaten by rabid babies or forced to watch soap operas all day dubbed in Portuguese with mistranslated subtitles.  Serious scary bad stuff man.

So this amazing mouth piece of "God" is telling you to sit down shut up, give him money and do what you’re told.  Don’t talk back, don’t rock the boat for the love of god DON’T ASK QUESTIONS!!!  Make sure you let el Jefe let him make all the decisions because “God” told him so and he obviously knows better than you.  And that is pretty messed up cause it is basically a social form of mind control that keep people under some lying jack-asses thumb and are generally oppressed and delusional.   In MY OPINION

 However…. Religious people (not religion) do have a thing that I don’t.  And that this belief that no matter how crappy there life is, no matter what terrible thing befalls them…it’s all going to rock at the end.  They did the right thing.  They followed the rules and listened to the guy and went to the place and did the things and they’re going to get to the place.  With this no matter how much you hose your life, no matter how much you fuck up  or don’t do right or completely fail….if you are a good person and do the “right thing” you will get to go to the super awesome place of awesomeness.  GUARANTEED!!!

Whether this is delusion or truth…it has to be pretty comforting, knowing that while it may suck here, one day, it’s not going to suck at all…and it is something I don’t have available to me.  Without this faith that at the end of the day I’m not going to go to heaven it means that if I hose my life…I’m fucked.  Well and truly fucked.  Proper fucked.  I messed up and when I die I’m just gonna die unhappy, sad and alone.  Possibly with brain cancer and a stubbed toe.   And I’m not  going  anywhere were all my “loved ones” are,  or are nice  clouds or potentially smoking hot strippers with wings.…(cause in my heaven the angels are smoking hot strippers...or..sluts...whatever.)  So …rock on religious folk, I hope

your heaven is out there and by the way your god is a lie…...coughs

Kirk says so ...it must be true

Speaking of awesome religious shit that you can witness for oneself, this video is unintentionally hilarious

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-NOZU2iPA8

This video however is intentionally hilarious

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sx7QVnHF7EY

Take note that the other guitarist …he loves what he’s doing…he's rocking...He's rocking for Jesus

This video however …well…I just don’t have the mental resources available to accurately describe what it is.  Watch and be horrified/offend/disturbed etc. etc.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kppx4bzfAaE

“Jesus Christ is my”……I can’t even finish the line.

Cause if the Internet is good for anything, its good for being fucking weird…amiright?

So these past few months I made the jolly old trip to jolly old England with my jolly old ex-wife.  “What the fuck is the matter with you” is the opening phrase I might hear in this situation but trust me…its OK. I and my ex are friends and because we are friends we can DO this.   And because I ditched her for some conference video thing I owe her a trip and hey…the UK...That’s cool I’ll do that.  However like you my one faithful reader, I did have some concerns going into this trip.  We've been to the UK before and we traveled fairly well together and that was great.  HOWEVER traveling with someone you love and are in a relationship with and traveling with someone you love but happily live in 2 different houses and occasionally text each other is vastly different.  When you are in a relationship with a person you let shit go.  Because you live with them and you need to learn to compromise and they might be right or wrong but in the end that doesn’t matter because you are in a relationship with them and you make a relationship work because of love and reasons.  When you friend with them…well fuck that noise you don’t owe them nothing and they can suck it when they do annoying shit to make you mad and they deserve to be made aware of how much they can suck it and then SUFFER!!!!.  Because…me and my ex…we are annoying fucking people.  I’m not saying I’m more annoying or she is …but sometimes…..you need to kill a bitch…..that bitch might be me…but the bitch needs to die

I’m happy to say that we did all right.  There were only ….2…times that I really  considered actual murder and one the one time I had the actual opportunity to do it,  by the time I decided we were too far down the escalator and me kicking her in the back would have only maimed her and I needed her to actually die,   so I held off.  And the rest of the trip was delightful.  

Not an exact recreation

She may have had those moments as well but you would have to ask her since I know I’m perfect.  Or see it on her very well done vlog found  here.

232.

What does 232 mean.. it means I hit my cut off weight.  That’s right reader…I the beautiful angel that is Rayphoton... has hit a weight that I’m not comfortable with and that weight is 232.  This means I have to give up

Coke, chips,  cheese, cake, tacos, , donuts, lemon donuts, pizza, kebaps , burgers, baked potatoes covered in cheeses and bacon, bacon by itself, bad for me sandwiches filled with bacon , butter, 3am runs to subway, anything on Dan's menu , Kraft Velveeta shells and cheese, steak, steak additions, sugar, white brown or multicolored and in cereal form,  ANY type of soda snack candy or instant consumable, Ramen with American cheese slices and salami, deep fried EVERYTHING,  popcorn with butter. Popcorn with cheese, popcorn with caramel or popcorn with butter cheese AND caramel and because its SOOOPER important to me…coke.    

Until I’m at 210.  And then I’m eating all of that again…..AT THE SAAAAME TIME. 

 Age Quod Agis

Smack That......

So there’s this web comic type thing on deviantart by a fairly awesome Swedish/polish artist  named Stjepan Šejić about these 2 super-hot (illustration wise)girls who meet up  to engage in some super-hot lesbian BDSM and it drawn very loose and fast but stillgreat and its well written and is very honest about the BDSM world which aforementioned excellent artist Stjepan Šejić  apparently knows a lot about.

It is called Sunstone and it is really good.  Go read it HERE.

  

And as it has become pretty popular and Artist Stjepan Šejić  works for former publishing giant Topcow once helmed and may still be by the illustrious Marc Silvestri that once employed the exceedingly talented artist Michael Turner who drew the super popular Witch blade before he moved on to surf/babe comic Aspen before he died of Cancer, and they have  made it into  a handy dandy graphic novel which being a loyal fan I ordered it off the amazon RIGHT AWAY and once again I highly recommend it to all of you to purchase and read right away.

It can be purchased HERE

However, and this is where this story gets weird.   Super-hot comic about super-hot woman drawn by Stjepan Šejić having super-hot lesbian BDSM sex is NOT actually about the a fore-mentioned super-hot bondage pron,   It is instead a very lovely comic about 2 people meeting, falling in love, facing the drama that comes from such wonderful  in your face style romance and what that actually means to each of them.   It’s really lovely…really it is…..

AND features super-hot babes having super-hot lesbian BDSM sex drawn by very talented artist  Stjepan Šejić

You still with me?  

What are we talking about again?

Now after reading half the graphic novel I was …struck…by a  really weird feeling,. Like deep in my gut and I wasn’t able to identify this feeling.   It was not a pleasant feeling…it wasn’t pleasant at all.  However being emotionally stunted as have been called in the past by my ex-wife and probably my mother,  I couldn’t quite identify the feeling.  However after speaking at length with my ex-wife and when I read the second half of the graphic novel ,  I was able to more actually put into  words the emotional response I was feeling.  As the comic closes and the domme character has ended her first weekend with the new sub girl and it was really a great weekend filled with superhot babes having super-hot lesbian BDSM sex drawn by very talented artist  Stjepan Šejićs, the new girl is finally gone. The domme character looks around her large house and mentions that house seems a little bit emptier.  And why is it a little bit emptier?   It is because she is lonely. 

Well there it was.  That’s the reason I felt like I did.  I am identifying with this character.  I ..Am…alone. And by proxy that makes me lonely.  Now before you stop reading this blog and shut it down with a exasperated sigh of annoyance at my needless whining bear with me.  Loneliness is really part of the human condition.  Even when I was married I was lonely at times and my ex-wife felt and feels  lonely all the time.   My Good friend is lonely whenever I go play blood bowl or have a Sunday game even though we spend more time together then I do with my cat.     You can have kids and still be lonely, in 18 years when they leave there’s a good chance your gonna be the loneliest fucker who ever loaned an alone.   My brother was feeling quite lonely and he LIKES being alone.   Even people dating other people feel lonely as I assume my ex-girlfriend when dating me, cause…I’m...like… distant or some stupid thing.  All of my friends with maybe the exception 0f 4 are probably pretty lonely right now.   Hell even they may be lonely too…I don’t know, cause people hide it well.  There is a whole lot of loneliness in the world apparently.

  

“Well, fuck Man…just...Stop it”  You might say if we were talking to face to face. 

And really that’s the rub, it’s not an easy thing to beat.  Now you can do stuff to help with this of course. Hang out with friends, go out to places with upbeat atmospheres, socialize, engage in hobbies, watch movies. See shows, drink, watch TV, the list goes on and on.  But at the end of the day, when you lay down in bed and you finally have time to think while you’re waiting to go to sleep …you are…acutely aware of being by yourself.   You really really feel it settle in.  And it’s not a pleasant feeling… it’s not pleasant at all. 

There are 2 tried and true ways to not feel lonely.   One is easy to do but hard to comprehend and the other is easy to comprehend but hard to do.

Moral of this story, if you’re prone to feeling of the above feelings be aware that Sunstone may cause them to happen in you.  Read it regardless though…cause it really is a lovely book worth a read.

Super-hot babes having super-hot lesbian BDSM sex drawn by very talented artist  Stjepan Šejić

Let us move  on to related commentary regarding such things.  I feel that in the land of masturbation there are definitely gender specific descriptions of ways you can get yourself off.  While I feel a guy can “jack off” I don’t believe he can “diddle” himself”.    Girls may be able to “finger themselves” but are not so successful at “jerking it”.   Stroking oneself, getting  off and playing with themselves are all term’s that can apply to both however the concept of playing with oneself sounds more erotic when applied to a female then when applied to a guy cause girls are “cute” and “play” and guys aren’t and don’t.  That may be my own gender bias speaking there but I feel like it is my blog and I can tell you my opinions all I want.  

 In the search for good terms though I have found this amusing collection of masturbation euphemisms you might like to employ in the future.  A date with Palmela Handerson, Acting out the grapes of wrath, Bang yourself, Beat the beaver, Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger, Clap your clit, Clean the bean, Clicking the mouse, Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come, Fiction friction, Fire off some knuckle-children, Fucking yourself, Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love, Getting trigger happy, Hand to gland combat, Indiana Jones finding a sweet dig, Jilling off, Making it snow, One handed baseball, Playing tug of war with the Cyclops, Polishing the pearl, Roughing up the suspect, Shuffle your Ipod, Slicking Willie, Thinking of your mom, Turning Japanese, Abusing the wicked stick, Arguing with Henry Longfellow,  Dancing in the dragon’s fiery breath, Do the white knuckler,  Flog the bishop, dolphin, dong, log, mule or egg man, Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money and Evicting the testicular squatters.  By all means…..employ anyone or all of the above.

For a comprehensive list go hear http://www.mantality.co.za/blog/wanking-euphemism.html

Since showing you a pic of masturbation is highly inappropriate here’s a pic of a chipmunk

Finally I have no idea what THIS is but it’s cool and I want to see more

Age Quod Agis